A Few Home Truths
by TheLostMinstrel
Summary: The Exile is under enough strain as it is and when one of her companions upsets her over a particularly sore topic she loses her temper and tells them a few home truths.


Disclaimer: 'Knights of the Old Republic II: The Sith Lords' belongs to Lucas Arts and Obsidian.

Home Truths

If she had to hear one more person say how Revan had saved the galaxy she was going to go on a murdering rampage that would make the destruction at her last battle at Malachor V look like a spat in the playground. If Revan's name so much as came up in conversation with anyone else in the next week, she wasn't going to be surprised if the Ebon Hawk managed to simply burst into flames in the middle of hyperspace due to her suppressed rage. They had left Goto's yacht to be blown from orbit by his many, many enemies and rivals the day before and, as she had thought, the argument with Mandelore about her decision to return the Ebon Hawk to the man who had claimed, and proved, it was his had started up again with a bang. Or rather it would have had she not done a wide u-turn and strode around the corridors of the Ebon Hawk dressed in a comfortable set of clothes rather than her armour. To hell with the damn Jedi Code, there was only so much emotional baggage she could put up with at any one time and surely at least one of her travelling companions must have twigged by now that mentioning Revan's name within any range of her hearing was a bad idea. It wasn't even unreasonable as far as she was concerned. She hated the former lord of the Sith with as much fury now as she had when Revan had called herself the Sith Master, in fact as much as she'd ever disliked the girl when they had come to blows about the use of the Republic Forces during the wars and even before then in the Jedi Enclave they had never been close. If nothing else there was the slight matter of Revan being declared a hero of the Republic after the victory at Malachor V while she, who had done all the dirty work, had been exiled. Surely that was enough of a reason to hate her. If it wasn't there was the fact that in spite of going to war against the Republic, almost bringing about its destruction within a few years of saving the Outer Rim, Revan had been given a second chance when she who hadn't attacked the Republic was left to flounder. Why everyone in the damn galaxy suddenly expected her worship every inch of ground that pretentious princess had ever laid foot on she didn't understand and, frankly, she wasn't prepared to do it. She needed to talk to someone, anyone, before she did or said something she'd regret but who?

Her first choice, Bao-Dur, was in the engine room, taking another look at the hyperdrive, so she let him be knowing that although he would never take her to task for it, she would be interrupting his hard work which wasn't fair. After all Bao-Dur was among the most solid emotionally, tactically and in general the one who kept her calm the most. She enjoyed his presence on the ship probably more than anyone else because although he could relate to her past in the mandalorian wars he could also relate to her years wandering around the edges of known space in an attempt to get away from everything. She'd been a complete coward during those years, hiding as much as running away. She would find herself actively making sure that they could speak about those years rather than her time as his general, their shared battles and their last horrific battle. He was still the soft-spoken, kind hearted man she had met so many years ago but now his eyes and heart seemed unable to acknowledge the happiness he brought to others, he seemed to want to put the galaxy to rights and if he had to do it single-handedly then that was fine with him. To her surprise she realised that she had not moved from her position just outside the door to the engine room and, as T3 hooted at her so that he could help the mechanic she seen Bao-Dur throw her a smile that was slightly strained as he tried to concentrate on the matter at hand also showed sympathy towards her plight. No, she wouldn't interrupt him.

Atton had fought in the wars but he had gone on to fought for Revan against the Republic which she supposed was why there was such tension between him and Mical. She'd brought the issue up with Atton once who merely laughed and said that she didn't know the half of it. Atton was nice enough, well more than nice if she was honest with herself. She liked his sarcastic wit, his determination to see her get through his mission that she'd persuaded herself to take part in since meeting Atris in the northern wastes of Telos. She didn't particularly like Atris but she had been on rather good terms with the rest of her teachers, especially Zhar, Vash and Kavar. News of Zhar's death at Katarr had been a shock and the idea of making up her actions in the past seemed appealing. Atton understood that and that was why he still travelled with her she supposed. She also tried to convince herself that was why she spend quite so much time with the guy. Sometimes at night when she was wrapped up tight in her bunk, when she thought that Kreia would not have access to her mind, she'd admit to herself that she went to listen to him tease her and to see that smile of his. It still caught her offhand that smile, his dashing rogue smile she called it.

She also knew that Mical still had an element of hero-worship in his attitude towards her and he would also argue that Revan had, ultimately, aided the Republic. The fact that she'd spent a lot more time and energy trying to destroy it didn't appear to matter. Still it was nice to remember that someone else knew what it was like growing up in the Enclave, with lessons and training and the things she had always considered normal. She didn't want to vent her frustration at either of them because they were connected through their former alliances either for or against the Republic. Which annoyed her even more because she enjoyed spending time with both of them, Mical because it was nice to see someone from the Enclave who hadn't gone slightly mad – although she supposed there was a chance that Kavar was still himself - since she had left.

When they had found, rescued and fought alongside Master Vrook on Dantooine he had been as unpleasant but as fair as always. They'd had a rather interesting conversation about Revan's 'redemption' after the attack on Khoonda when they'd gone back to the destroyed remains of the enclave they had both loved in their own ways. Her heart had sunk like a stone the first time she'd seen it when she Bao-Dur and Atton had gone to explore the sub-level. She stopped in sheer horror and she'd felt fat, wet tears roll down her cheeks. She'd spent her childhood here and it had been where she had been happiest even when she'd been exiled and wandered around the outer edges of the galaxy she had dreamt of this place. She'd heard Bao-Dur's reassurances that they could wait, they could go back to the ship and come back. Atton's warm, firm hand had been on her shoulder for reassurance and to her continued mortification she'd spun around and sobbed into his chest and after a few awkward seconds he'd wrapped his arms around her and he and Bao-Dur whispered reassurances to her. They'd never spoken of it since and she thought Kreia didn't know but it had been nice to have such comfort. When she and Vrook had returned for a second time, a sob still caught in her throat and her eyelashes only just batted away the tears and although he'd tried to hide it she could see that Vrook hated seeing the remnants of their past tarnished in such a way as much as she did. At the very least he didn't lecture her on the importance of controlling her emotions. Their conversation had been short and to the point. He said that they'd been right to exile her, she had marvelled at his openness and his assurance that his decision had been right. Her opinion of Revan, despite having seen her retrained at Datooine five years earlier was still as it had been when she'd been exiled.

"_The woman should have been exiled at best, imprisoned at least in my opinion but then that's the problem with fighting in the first place. A lesson I don't think you understand yet." _She'd nearly kissed him. Someone who didn't love Revan! Hooray!

Mira appeared to think that she had sole rights over grieving over the losses at Malachor. Shaking at her loose strands of hair that tickled her neck, the Exile shuddered at the prospect of trying to explain to the bounty hunter that when you have no family, you tend to make them from those you have around you, say like the fleet you're serving in. She was no fool, the Jedi Code had slipped while she'd been at war but she hadn't fallen. Just gotten bored of speaking in riddles only to be answered with confused expressions in response. The red head would probably argue that point and she was in no mood to argue. She seen HK 47 annoying T3 and dismissed the idea of confessing her frustrations to any of the droids especially the assassin droid built by Revan and who clearly adored her. There was Mandelore but he adored Revan, had travelled with her since her 'redemption' and adored her just as much as HK 47. No point in trying there. As for Kreia or Visas, well, they were themselves. Visas would try to advise but she wouldn't understand and Kreia was, well, Kreia. She was no more going to go to her for advice than she would to HK 47 for romance tips.

Pulling down her plaited brown hair in an attempt to relieve a feeling of weight on her neck and shoulders as she made her way to her bunk to sleep off her murderous urges, murderous monthly cramps and vaguely thumping headache she passed through the main cargo hold in time to hear Mandelore speak.

"She's no Revan. Revan would have -" She went ramrod rod straight, as still as a pillar and, as a terrifies silence fell over the rest of those in the room, swung around with a fury that made Mira quiver, not that she'd ever admit it. Her hair, now loose, framed her face with its frizzy curls at all angles and her eyes were so narrow they were little more than slits in her pale, exhausted face.

"Revan would have _what_? Let's hear it Canderous because to be honest I would love to know what Revan would do if she had to run around the _entire damn galaxy_ sorting out everyone else's messes!" She didn't realise she was roaring until she'd finished. Bao-Dur had come running behind her hydrospanner in hand as she'd started to screech, Atton had run down from the cockpit still holding pazaak cards and she could hear Kreia's surprise in her own damn head which made her even more furious. Standing there dressed in a pair of black trousers and a grey, frayed shirt Atton decided the Exile had never looked so bloody terrifying nor as hot but there would be nothing in the galaxy to persuade him to admit it. Mical was standing quite nearby, datapad in hand, looking somewhat confused and on edge.

"I am sick to death of hearing about bloody Revan. So she destroyed the Star Forge? She was the one that turned the thing on_ or am I the only one who realises that_?!"

"Soothing Statement: Master -"

"But-"

They may as well not have opened their mouths because she had completely lost her rag and five years of anger, frustration and a sense of sheer unfairness erupted in her.

"Revan went to war for the Republic, won the damn war and I accept that but I would rather kiss every senator's feet than ever lay eyes on the little rat ever again! If it hadn't been for that backstabbing whore then I wouldn't have had to turn the damn generator on but no one else ever thinks of that. After all I was only a general for force sake, I panicked. Well I can tell you now that I didn't. The bloody _saviour of the Republic_ -" her voice was like ice, cold with absolute authority and hatred. Visas had made her way into the main area, sliding behind Bao-Dur, began to shake and even Mandelore had become very still - "decided that it would be much easier if she sat with the bulk of Republic forces in damn hyperspace while I battled the survivors of the mandalorian fleet with less than half the number of men I would need._ That_ is why I turned the damn thing on because Revan was happy to let us be slaughtered so that she would emerge the victor despite such heavy losses even though she wasn't there!" The silence in the ship was absolute with the exception of the Exile's ragged breathing. Even GOTO seemed fascinated by the revelations. Kreia stood to one side in the shadows watching her student allow emotions to pour out from her and wondered just when she had fallen. Everyone else stared.

"I had to stand in front of the Jedi Council and try to explain just why I had caused the deaths of so many. The death of a planet. Revan, apparently, felt that I was falling if I had not already fallen. Suave cow, she had the Council looking around for more proof that I was dark when all the time she and Malak were planing the destruction of what they had just saved. I was exiled and cut off from the force. Allow Revan all the recognition and throw everyone else into the trash heap! How was that fair? It didn't matter what rank you were – master, padawan, general or private – you were dumped by the Republic and the Order after the end of the war and then when Revan attacked there was a scramble to find veterans – the very people they'd thrown away – to fight again. So what if Revan managed to destroy the Star Forge? Does the thousands of deaths she prevented make up for the millions she caused?" She stopped screaming, and swayed on the spot for a few brief seconds before taking one look at the shocked expressions on the faces of her companions.

"I was happy living on the edge of the galaxy you know. It was nice. Everybody for themselves but you still stuck together. I had a nice little place to call my own, nothing special but all mine. I worked my ass off to get it. My first home. I worked on computers, droids, you name it I did it. Managed to make enough to put my lightsaber in a drawer for a few years and, as long as I avoided news about the war, I could forget I'd been a jedi. It was a simple life, up early in the morning and early to bed at night. I even treated myself to a night out in the cantina a few nights a week. I'd talk to the smugglers, the thieves and pirates. Make things a little better by knocking off the worse ones I'd come across and would buy the freedom of those I could. Healed those who were hurt, fixed ships and that which need patching up. Then the damn Harbinger came and a not so subtle datapad message basically said come back to the Republic or we blow your little home to hell and back. So I wound up saving the damn galaxy and you know, not one person ever ever thanked me for coming back. Atris didn't, Vrook didn't although he did offer me a trip back to my little slice of nowhere when I'm done, Kavar didn't even treat me as though I was anything other than his bloody student. As for our mutual friend, Mira, I just got the 'I-didn't-expect-to-see-you-do-this-this-and-this'. Makes you feel real pleased that you've only risked your life a few thousand times to get to him. So no, I'm not Revan. Revan abandoned the Republic despite being given chance after chance and I came back. I am a better person than Revan no matter what anyone thinks and I'll tell Admiral Onasi the truth about his new squeeze myself if he wants me to."

"Revan ran away Canderous. That is what she is doing while the Republic labours for breath before falling for the last time. She has run away because she believes that she is more important than the Republic. And she left you behind to fend for yourselves even though you spent how long fighting by her side? She abandoned you. She lifted Mission Vao from the urban wastes of Taris and then left her with nothing when she left. She left Onasi who would live and die for her tomorrow, would have followed her to the ends of the galaxy but she seen him as a burden. Imagine to view the one you supposedly love as a burden. She left Jolee, Juhani and Bastila to hide like every other Jedi. She left behind the wookie who owed her a life debt. She left behind T3 and HK 47. She used you when she needed you and then she dumped you. The Council may have removed her memories but they didn't give her a new personality. She is still the same person she was when she was Darth Revan and it will take a lot more than a few months good work to her name to persuade me otherwise!"

The ship was silent still. Even T3 didn't move in case he was blasted for simply distracting the Exile during her rant. Kreia was astonished at just how strongly her student still felt betrayed by the Jedi Order and her resolve to destroy what left of its council hardened. Visas felt the mixture of emotions rolling off her target, her friend, the Exile and was stunned in the strength, range and vividness of those emotions. There were old wounds there which still bled freely no matter how much the Exile attempted to stifle the flow. Mandelore was stunned at this new information about the last battle, that Revan had not been a hero, in fact that if she had been anything she had been a coward. He knew that this girl was not lying. She had no reason to and right now he wondered if she'd even be able to. Boa-Dur put a hand on the general's arm and was dismayed at how much she shook. She was a good person she didn't deserve this. Mira merely stared in amazement at the idea of the usually calm collected knight becoming so passionate about anything after all she couldn't even figure out that Mical and Atton both loved her and yet all this time she'd been masking so much emotion. Mical thought about her accusations about Admiral Onasi, a man he greatly respected, and found to his shame that he found it easy to agree with her. Atton merely watched his darling sway a little more on the spot before flinging herself out of the room and looking herself into a storage cupboard where they could hear her cry her heart out.

An hour or so later, the sobs having subsided and everyone else having gone as far away as possible in an attempt to block out her cries Atton Rand was more than a little surprised to look up from his pazaak game to find the normally mild mannered Bao-Dur standing over him holding a tray of food and glowering at him.

"The general tells us home truths and you lot hide from her as though she has gone mad! She is only a person, not a goddess. No one will go near her and I have had enough. You will go give her this." In one swift movement he had lifted Atton by the back of his jacket and plonked him on his feet before shoving the tray into his arms. Mira, Mical and Mandelore edged their way to the door of the security room and listened to the harsh voice of the mechanic.  
"If I am the only person on this ship who realises that it is all right for someone to be upset after everything she has gone through so be it. If I have to point out the obvious to the blind so be it. Atton she likes you, hell she bloody loves you and if she can stop panicking about the end of the Republic she might notice it but you hiding up here when actually needs someone's help is not doing anyone any favours so you are going to take her that food so that if nothing else she doesn't faint from hunger. As for you three," he scolded, turning on three in the security room, "she told you what she thinks and that is the end of it. Stop acting like she murdered Revan in front of your eyes." Pushing Atton down towards the storage cupboard, opened the door long enough to push him through and to see his general curled up in a ball, apparently asleep, and closed it again. He could hear her ask Atton something and Atton respond. There was a muffled c rash as she threw herself on him and Atton held her close. Bao-Dur only just suppressed a smile. Turning around he met the gaze of the mandalorian head on.

"She told you a few home truths. Deal with it."

Author's Note: How I think anyone would react if they were put in the Exile's place. I know Revan is male in canon but I prefer both characters being female. I find that Revan is perceived to be some type of conquering angel despite her past. Frankly I'm amazed Carth Onasi doesn't go more mad at the revelation in the first game. I also wanted to put Bao-Dur forward as a more steady character who is protective of his general seeing her as a mixture between a friend having a hard time and a little sister.


End file.
